Breaking Free
Falling. Such a terrifying, yet exhilarating thing to experience. When you fall, you’re free. Free from the restrictive chains of life. When you fall, if you can get past the instinctive fear and embrace how wonderful it truly is, you can think uninterrupted. You can see past the simple, mundane appearances of so many aspects of life.
For most people this would be a nightmare. After all, what else could plummeting through an endless void of darkness be called? Well, to me, this is the greatest feeling in the world. A dream come true. Every time that I get to experience this, I know that I am able to ponder things about life and death that other people can only dream of understanding.
It wasn’t always this way. I too used to be downright terrified of entering this part of my psyche. Knowing that I was still within myself, yet having it appear like I was nowhere was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. And yet, even through all the fear, a tiny part of me, in the very back of my mind, yearned to experience this sensation again.
I had no idea why, so I did everything I could to ignore it and focus on the fear instead. For a while, it worked. I forgot all about the experience, both the fear and the small part that yearned for more. But, it seemed that I was simply not destined to forget. A couple months after I first had this dream, I experienced it again. And, just like the first time, I awoke frightened, yet with a part of me longing for more.
I just couldn’t understand it. Why was I wishing for something that left my heart racing in terror even after I had woken up? Why was it so difficult for me to ignore those wishes?
The more time that passed, the stronger the longing for that strange thrill I had gotten from this dream became. At first, I continued to try to ignore it, but, as months went by without that feeling lessening at all, I knew that I had no hope of getting it to go away. Instead, I decided to try to figure out why those feelings were so strong.
The next time I had this dream, rather than focus on what my natural instinct was telling me to feel, I latched onto the part in the back of my mind that was enjoying the experience. Almost instantly, I no longer felt like I was falling. It became a sensation much like soaring, almost as if I were an eagle. However, that feeling only held for a couple moments before natural instinct took over again which led me to wake up in the same manner as the time before.
And yet, that isn’t quite true. Yes, my heart was racing in terror, but, mentally, all I could think was how amazing those few seconds had felt. At the time, I had no words to describe what I had experienced. Now, however, I could spend lifetimes describing the feelings that go through my mind each time I have this dream.
It’s strange, looking back now and realizing just how deeply those couple seconds, in a dream of all things, have changed my entire outlook on so many things in life. If I had never been able to push away the fear that is so natural to everyone, then I would be capable of so much less than what I am at this point in time.
Something that I’d never noticed until that one dream was how so much of what evolution has programmed us to think and feel during many situations actually does more to limit people than it does to protect them. After all, when you really think about it, what is there to fear from darkness and emptiness?
Nothingness? The fact that it’s someplace devoid of all life but for oneself?
No. You might think that, but what you’re truly afraid of is something that’s different than what you’re used to experiencing in your life. People nowadays get so comfortable with their lives settling into a very similar pattern day after day with there hardly ever being a drastic change. This sameness is what has led to many largely irrational fears amongst society. An inability to understand a part of one’s life breeds terror in people’s minds, which can actually be easily overcome.
When I began to understand that fact, every time I had this dream I was able to push back the fear for longer and longer until finally, I was able to start the dream without any fear at all. And, even though the dream only ever lasts a couple minutes, I cherish each moment of every single dream because I know that my eyes are constantly being opened to many of the problems that people are facing because of themselves.
And yet, as much as I would like to be able to get other people to help themselves by doing what I’ve done, no one else I’ve met is willing to try to face such a dark, empty part of their mind. I do understand how they feel because I felt that way at first. Realizing that there was a place so devoid of anything that came to the forefront of my mind in dreams was what first sparked an interest in being able to understand not just people but life itself.
People are blind to so many things about life simply due to their subconscious determination to protect themselves from true reality. All they’re really doing though, is hurting themselves and those around them with their self-induced ignorance. Some people who might be able to open their minds as I have are almost always dissuaded from doing so, both consciously and subconsciously, by the collective mindset of society.
Humans as a species are a lot like herd animals. When it comes to things that are difficult to think about, if the majority of people choose to protect themselves with their fears, then the few who may have been undecided on what they should do will choose to follow the majority. I know this for a fact because I was one of the undecided minority not too long ago. I wanted to spend a large amount of time pondering life, death, and many more aspects of existence that are frowned upon to think too deeply about, but, when I realized how few people appeared to care about such things, I gave in to the views of the majority.
However, that curiosity never fully left me, and, after being freed by this dream, I chose to not care what society thought. It is strange how a dream of emptiness and terror is what got me to realize that it was okay to be interested in something that much of society would rather avoid talking about. But, after spending some time pondering that, I would hazard a guess that it’s because being able to banish a type of fear that is so deeply ingrained in human nature and turn a nightmare into a pleasant dream gave me power. And, that very same power can be used against society in a similar way to how it was used to conquer the fear of nothingness.
There is nothing to fear from being alone. The root cause of that fear is, in actuality, our knowledge that we do not completely know ourselves, and being alone makes us very vulnerable to our own minds, hearts, and souls. We are afraid to know our deepest, darkest secrets because of what our minds have done to us. Often, without our conscious knowledge, our minds will block out certain parts of our lives in an attempt to protect us from difficult or painful emotions.
Except, in actuality, this natural defense can often do more harm than good. In many cases, what was being blocked from memory was not all that damaging and would only be in the forefront of one’s thoughts for a short amount of time. Therefore, all that is really being done is blocking small amounts of pain over time which will inevitably lead to a point in one’s life when all those built up, hidden emotions will come spilling out all at once. The mental walls that had been sheltering the person in question will be overwhelmed and shatter under the pressure of a lifetime’s worth of painful feelings.
An emotional overload so intense could be enough to break even those who feel practically invincible. One day it would be almost like a switch was flipped, and you would find yourself drowning in your own agony. And, as hard as you would fight, you would struggle to keep your head clear for even a few short moments. Simply put, your entire life would be taken over by that sudden influx of emotionally charged memories.
For me, the moment when those mental walls shattered was somewhere in the few seconds when I was first able to push away my fears of this dream. However, it was not until hours later that I was struck by the crushing waves of emotion that had been released. Somehow, the pure, unfettered joy that I had gotten from just a mere couple seconds of a dream was enough to stand in the stead of the mental walls that had been in place all my life.
And yet, though I was spared a couple hours, that barrier was not meant to last forever. It’s amazing how a few short seconds can change your entire life, even parts of your personality. What I went through because of that small amount of time was nearly beyond words.
It was the purest, most carnal form of nigh immeasurable agony that could possibly exist. And it knew no bounds. Every single moment of my existence ceased to matter. All there was, was saturated with the truest essence of misery that could possibly be a part of our world. Nothing I did had any effect on my attempts to contain those emotions. Nothing, that is, until I decided to do something crazy, something most people see as stupid or wrong. But, I knew that I had to do it anyway, regardless of what the consequences would wind up being.
So, one night, I pushed away what all my natural instincts were screaming at me to do, and I tempered the waves of agony I had been feeling with a different kind of agony. Contrary to popular belief, I was not trying to banish the agony that had been released when those mental walls fell. Nor did I do what I did because it was a type of pain that I could control. No, I did it because it was the only way that I could ever come to understand the emotions that I was, essentially, drowning in. Using agony to free my thoughts from the oppression of agony was the only way that I could get time to think clearly, even if only for a brief moment or two at a time.
And yet, it did slowly begin to take effect. The more nights that I used that method to allow me a couple moments of freedom, the more confident I became that what I was doing was right. It went against so many natural instincts and so much of society’s expectations that I could only be called insane for it. But better insane and sane, than sane and insane. It’s true; insanity was what kept me from losing my sanity.
For most people this would be a nightmare. After all, what else could plummeting through an endless void of darkness be called? Well, to me, this is the greatest feeling in the world. A dream come true. Every time that I get to experience this, I know that I am able to ponder things about life and death that other people can only dream of understanding.
It wasn’t always this way. I too used to be downright terrified of entering this part of my psyche. Knowing that I was still within myself, yet having it appear like I was nowhere was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. And yet, even through all the fear, a tiny part of me, in the very back of my mind, yearned to experience this sensation again.
I had no idea why, so I did everything I could to ignore it and focus on the fear instead. For a while, it worked. I forgot all about the experience, both the fear and the small part that yearned for more. But, it seemed that I was simply not destined to forget. A couple months after I first had this dream, I experienced it again. And, just like the first time, I awoke frightened, yet with a part of me longing for more.
I just couldn’t understand it. Why was I wishing for something that left my heart racing in terror even after I had woken up? Why was it so difficult for me to ignore those wishes?
The more time that passed, the stronger the longing for that strange thrill I had gotten from this dream became. At first, I continued to try to ignore it, but, as months went by without that feeling lessening at all, I knew that I had no hope of getting it to go away. Instead, I decided to try to figure out why those feelings were so strong.
The next time I had this dream, rather than focus on what my natural instinct was telling me to feel, I latched onto the part in the back of my mind that was enjoying the experience. Almost instantly, I no longer felt like I was falling. It became a sensation much like soaring, almost as if I were an eagle. However, that feeling only held for a couple moments before natural instinct took over again which led me to wake up in the same manner as the time before.
And yet, that isn’t quite true. Yes, my heart was racing in terror, but, mentally, all I could think was how amazing those few seconds had felt. At the time, I had no words to describe what I had experienced. Now, however, I could spend lifetimes describing the feelings that go through my mind each time I have this dream.
It’s strange, looking back now and realizing just how deeply those couple seconds, in a dream of all things, have changed my entire outlook on so many things in life. If I had never been able to push away the fear that is so natural to everyone, then I would be capable of so much less than what I am at this point in time.
Something that I’d never noticed until that one dream was how so much of what evolution has programmed us to think and feel during many situations actually does more to limit people than it does to protect them. After all, when you really think about it, what is there to fear from darkness and emptiness?
Nothingness? The fact that it’s someplace devoid of all life but for oneself?
No. You might think that, but what you’re truly afraid of is something that’s different than what you’re used to experiencing in your life. People nowadays get so comfortable with their lives settling into a very similar pattern day after day with there hardly ever being a drastic change. This sameness is what has led to many largely irrational fears amongst society. An inability to understand a part of one’s life breeds terror in people’s minds, which can actually be easily overcome.
When I began to understand that fact, every time I had this dream I was able to push back the fear for longer and longer until finally, I was able to start the dream without any fear at all. And, even though the dream only ever lasts a couple minutes, I cherish each moment of every single dream because I know that my eyes are constantly being opened to many of the problems that people are facing because of themselves.
And yet, as much as I would like to be able to get other people to help themselves by doing what I’ve done, no one else I’ve met is willing to try to face such a dark, empty part of their mind. I do understand how they feel because I felt that way at first. Realizing that there was a place so devoid of anything that came to the forefront of my mind in dreams was what first sparked an interest in being able to understand not just people but life itself.
People are blind to so many things about life simply due to their subconscious determination to protect themselves from true reality. All they’re really doing though, is hurting themselves and those around them with their self-induced ignorance. Some people who might be able to open their minds as I have are almost always dissuaded from doing so, both consciously and subconsciously, by the collective mindset of society.
Humans as a species are a lot like herd animals. When it comes to things that are difficult to think about, if the majority of people choose to protect themselves with their fears, then the few who may have been undecided on what they should do will choose to follow the majority. I know this for a fact because I was one of the undecided minority not too long ago. I wanted to spend a large amount of time pondering life, death, and many more aspects of existence that are frowned upon to think too deeply about, but, when I realized how few people appeared to care about such things, I gave in to the views of the majority.
However, that curiosity never fully left me, and, after being freed by this dream, I chose to not care what society thought. It is strange how a dream of emptiness and terror is what got me to realize that it was okay to be interested in something that much of society would rather avoid talking about. But, after spending some time pondering that, I would hazard a guess that it’s because being able to banish a type of fear that is so deeply ingrained in human nature and turn a nightmare into a pleasant dream gave me power. And, that very same power can be used against society in a similar way to how it was used to conquer the fear of nothingness.
There is nothing to fear from being alone. The root cause of that fear is, in actuality, our knowledge that we do not completely know ourselves, and being alone makes us very vulnerable to our own minds, hearts, and souls. We are afraid to know our deepest, darkest secrets because of what our minds have done to us. Often, without our conscious knowledge, our minds will block out certain parts of our lives in an attempt to protect us from difficult or painful emotions.
Except, in actuality, this natural defense can often do more harm than good. In many cases, what was being blocked from memory was not all that damaging and would only be in the forefront of one’s thoughts for a short amount of time. Therefore, all that is really being done is blocking small amounts of pain over time which will inevitably lead to a point in one’s life when all those built up, hidden emotions will come spilling out all at once. The mental walls that had been sheltering the person in question will be overwhelmed and shatter under the pressure of a lifetime’s worth of painful feelings.
An emotional overload so intense could be enough to break even those who feel practically invincible. One day it would be almost like a switch was flipped, and you would find yourself drowning in your own agony. And, as hard as you would fight, you would struggle to keep your head clear for even a few short moments. Simply put, your entire life would be taken over by that sudden influx of emotionally charged memories.
For me, the moment when those mental walls shattered was somewhere in the few seconds when I was first able to push away my fears of this dream. However, it was not until hours later that I was struck by the crushing waves of emotion that had been released. Somehow, the pure, unfettered joy that I had gotten from just a mere couple seconds of a dream was enough to stand in the stead of the mental walls that had been in place all my life.
And yet, though I was spared a couple hours, that barrier was not meant to last forever. It’s amazing how a few short seconds can change your entire life, even parts of your personality. What I went through because of that small amount of time was nearly beyond words.
It was the purest, most carnal form of nigh immeasurable agony that could possibly exist. And it knew no bounds. Every single moment of my existence ceased to matter. All there was, was saturated with the truest essence of misery that could possibly be a part of our world. Nothing I did had any effect on my attempts to contain those emotions. Nothing, that is, until I decided to do something crazy, something most people see as stupid or wrong. But, I knew that I had to do it anyway, regardless of what the consequences would wind up being.
So, one night, I pushed away what all my natural instincts were screaming at me to do, and I tempered the waves of agony I had been feeling with a different kind of agony. Contrary to popular belief, I was not trying to banish the agony that had been released when those mental walls fell. Nor did I do what I did because it was a type of pain that I could control. No, I did it because it was the only way that I could ever come to understand the emotions that I was, essentially, drowning in. Using agony to free my thoughts from the oppression of agony was the only way that I could get time to think clearly, even if only for a brief moment or two at a time.
And yet, it did slowly begin to take effect. The more nights that I used that method to allow me a couple moments of freedom, the more confident I became that what I was doing was right. It went against so many natural instincts and so much of society’s expectations that I could only be called insane for it. But better insane and sane, than sane and insane. It’s true; insanity was what kept me from losing my sanity.
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